Christmas is here

Hello Santa Claus,

You must believe kids all over are evil, selfish and unkind, like my sister-in-law. They think of you only once a year around Christmas, like she does around her birthday. In all their letters to you, they will ask for gift that their parents find too expensive (or not worth the price and emotion) to buy for them, much like she asking her sister/my wife for those extravagant present my in-laws and my brother-in-law will refuse. And for some mysterious irrational reason you oblige, like my wife. I empathize.

Now that I am 31, all grown and matured, my letter to you is only going to ask you for things for you, nothing for me. I don’t think I want much for myself for Christmas this year.

1. Get into a different shape. Round is out, Triangle is in. You need to get rid of that enormous behind and that colossal beer belly. You don’t need a Stallone or a Schwarzenegger bulk, a Statham build is just perfect. Athletic bodies are in vogue not bulks. Besides, your round body sets a bad example for the kids. Kids get liberal with sugar and fatty food attempting to be like you. The clinicians down here are repulsively calling this condition obesity instead of something more huggable like Santa Clausiness.  A bulk will set an equally bad example, it will just say it is acceptable to use steroids or mash up a bulk using implants. Athletic will be immaculate.


2. Get fashionable. If you do decide to get into shape you will need a new wardrobe too. While you are at it you might as well change your appearance. Change those Gandhian round glasses to some slant rectangular Ray-Bans or Oakleys, replace the Mrs Clause stitched coat and pajama with leather from Burberry, hip trousers from Ralph Lauren and the likes. You could keep the beard and the color red, but don’t forget the cap, it must absolutely go.


3. Reindeers? Come on. I wonder why animal activists haven’t yet served you a subpoena. Your fat body structure and the under fed reindeers are just slowing you down. The rate of population burst has not been very good to you either. You need to get yourself the powerful of a V8 or a V12 pickup truck. It will drive you faster and more efficiently. Throw in some chains and fog lights; these will be far better than Rudolph’s red nose. The environment is not as clean as it used to be in the 50’s.

Well, I think I will ask you for one little thing for myself after all.

This year (and for every year) instead of you taking the trouble to come to my house, could you send one of your daughters? I did see her walking down the ramp for a Victoria Secret show.

Merry Christmas Mr Clause.
 
Merry Christmas Readers. 
 
Love AThoughtFactory